Self-Compassion: The Parenting Tool That Grows Alongside Us

When I became a parent, I thought self-compassion was something I would need during the exhausting baby and toddler years. I imagined it would help me through sleepless nights, endless questions about whether I was doing enough, and the pressure to be the "perfect" parent.

What I didn't realize is that self-compassion isn't something we master in one stage of parenting. It's a practice we return to because the challenges evolve just as our children do.

Today, my children are 11 and 13. Parenting looks very different than it did a decade ago, but the need for self-compassion hasn't disappeared. It has simply changed shape.

As our children grow, so do we. We continue learning, adjusting, grieving expectations, celebrating milestones, and finding our footing in new seasons. For families navigating disability, these transitions often bring additional layers of uncertainty. Alongside the everyday questions of parenting come concerns about services, friendships, puberty, independence, and what adulthood might look like. Many of those questions simply don't have answers yet, and learning to live with that uncertainty is one of the hardest parts of the journey.

I've learned that every stage asks something different of us as parents, and every stage invites us to extend compassion to ourselves in a new way.

In the early years, self-compassion meant reminding myself that I didn't need to have all the answers. Appointments, therapies, and difficult decisions often left me questioning whether I was making the right choices. It was easy to compare my children, or myself, to other families.

Over time, I've come to appreciate Theodore Roosevelt's quote, "Comparison is the thief of joy." Every child develops on their own timeline, every family faces different circumstances, and every parenting journey is unique. Comparison rarely brings peace; it usually leaves us feeling like we are falling short.

Now, as my children enter adolescence, I find myself sitting with different questions: What will adulthood look like? Will my child have meaningful relationships? What support will they need? How can I prepare while also staying present today?

Those questions don't always have clear answers, and they can quietly weigh on our hearts.

This is where self-compassion becomes more than simply being kind to ourselves. It becomes a way of grounding ourselves when life feels uncertain. Instead of expecting ourselves to solve every future problem today, self-compassion reminds us that it is enough to take the next step, trust what we know now, and recognize that we don't have to carry tomorrow all at once.

One practice I return to in difficult moments is Kristin Neff's Self-Compassion Break below. It takes less than a minute, but can shift how we respond to ourselves:

First, recognize the moment of suffering. This is being present. You can also say “ouch”, “this is hard”, “this hurts.”

Second, acknowledge that suffering is a part of life. This helps with building community and acknowledging we aren’t the only ones. We are not alone. Everyone struggles.

Lastly, direct kindness back to oneself. That is self-compassion. You can also ask yourself, What do I need to hear right now to express kindness back to myself?

Sometimes that small pause is enough to help us breathe, soften, and keep going.

I've also learned that self-compassion grows stronger in community. There is comfort in sitting with other caregivers who understand the joys, griefs, hopes, and uncertainties that come with raising a child with a disability. Sometimes the greatest gift is simply knowing someone else understands.

Perhaps that is one of the greatest lessons I've learned as both a parent and a professional: caring for ourselves is not selfish. It is one of the most important ways we care for our families. When we make space for rest, connection, and self-compassion, we build the resilience needed to continue showing up for the people we love.

At VELA, we believe supporting children begins with supporting caregivers. We know parents spend so much of their energy advocating, planning, coordinating services, and caring for others that their own well-being often comes last.

That's why we are committed to creating spaces where caregivers can reconnect with themselves and with one another. Our Monthly Support Groups offer a place to share experiences with families who truly understand, and this Fall we invite you to join our Caregiver Wellness Course. Together, we'll practice simple, evidence-based tools for self-compassion, mindfulness, and resilience while building community with other caregivers who understand the journey. You don't have to do this alone. Sometimes the greatest source of strength is practicing together.

The needs of our children will continue to change, and so will we. While we can't always predict what lies ahead, we can choose how we care for ourselves along the way. My hope is that every caregiver remembers this: you don't have to have all the answers. You don't have to carry the future alone. Sometimes the most courageous thing we can do is offer ourselves the same compassion we so freely give our children, and allow a community to walk beside us. VELA hopes to be part of your community.